29 posts tagged “five things”
1. I am able to use my computer only by carefully moving around the power cord until the little blue battery light turns on, then slowly tucking the cord in that general position and not getting up too quickly. It's becoming tiresome, so I have turned to a better solution: a third-rate cheaply made substitute power cord! So when that arrives, I'll have no excuse for not using my computer except fear that it will cause fires/explosions/plague.
2. Today we went to the county fair. When I was growing up, county fair weekend was an instrumental part of my life, cementing my love of peach pie and kettle corn, double Ferris wheels and The Zipper, and of course, hastily thrown together musical theatre. We unfortunately forwent all of these experiences today, because I packed Aaron into the car and then left his sandals at home, so he was barefoot and urchin-like and I carried him around on my back as if I'd won him at the Skee-ball booth. Fortunately, you can take some satisfaction in knowing that we ate enough fried fried food to fell a fried horse. Then we had cookies and caramel apples for dessert. Please do not tell Wii Fit.
3. We have not had running water in the kitchen for a week now, because we had to disconnect the plumbing and remove the countertops in order to template our new countertops, and it didn't seem worth replacing it all only to tear it all out again in two weeks. That being said, I'm not overly fond of doing dishes in the bathroom sink and skipping the glass of water in favor of whatever cold liquids we have in the fridge, like Capri Sun Tropical Twist, or ketchup.
4. I'm super excited about this week. It contains waterparks, Harry Potter, Bill and Jessica, youthful exuberance, Guitar Hero with a full band(!), Milkweeds CD release, and Mad Men Season 2 DVD release! I refuse to even think about the fact that it's all downhill from here. Aw, crap.
5. I picked up a Cien Fuegos magazine this morning, and there, smack dab in the middle was my story about Microbreweries. Does this mean I can call myself a published writer? Can I get that tattooed in a ring around my navel? If not, I can always go with the ankle tattoo that says "Newsletter assembler and long-suffering Red Light/Green Light participant," but it lacks some of the panache.
Do you know what gets on my nerves? I'll tell you. I'll tell you what gets on my nerves. I will create a list that reflects those things which have found my nerves and got right on them. And that list shall include five things, because that is how I roll.
1. Carpenter Ants. Carpenter ants, I thought we had a deal. You would live far away from me and not gnaw through things that belong to me and I will not squish and or/poison you. Well, carpenter ants, you blew it. It was a nice agreement for a while. I was happy. You were not dead. But look what you've reduced me to, carpenter ants. Look at me now. Squishing and squashing and setting out traps and generally being unhappy with the whole lot of you. You feel free to writhe around all you want after I squish you, and wave your pathetic legs in the air in a sad disconcerting way. I don't care. Get out of my dishwasher. Stupid bugs.
2. Trains. Do you know what is more annoying than when you're just trying to get home and there's a train crossing in front of you and it just goes slower and slower and slower until finally it stops and just sits there in front of you like a stupid dead ant with no intent to do anything? And everyone shifts into park and sighs and says "This is
3. Backaches. If you have a job that requires you to lift objects, bend over, stretch, or just sit motionless in front of a thing, then you do not want a backache. And since every job in the world requires one of these things, that means that I'm talking to you, personally. I have a backache, and it means it takes me four minutes to stand up and I have to walk like an penguin with the shits and whenever I pick up a sofa I have to explain to the other lifters that I hurt my back and they all roll their eyes and think, "Right, sure, you just don't like doing actual lifting." And then I waddle back to my desk and take three minutes to sit down and meanwhile my vertebrae are slowly rotating my spine into a double helix and it's all my own fault because I didn't lift with my legs because (and here is my terrible secret) I still don't know what that means. I lift with my arms, not my legs! And my back! Until now. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to wait for a train with a sore back? It makes me want to kill an ant or something.
4. The power cord on my computer. If I don't sit in just the right way, the AC power will not get into my computer and I'll switch over to battery backup. Then the screen dims and tells me that I have 94% of my power remaining (21 minutes). And then two minutes later, I have 6% of my power remaining (3 minutes). So I sit cross-legged, with the cord draped over one foot and sit perfectly still, unless my back hurts, in which case I move my foot and the power cord stops working. Why doesn't it work? Something wrong with the wiring, maybe? I'm assuming it was eaten by ants when I wasn't looking. Possibly it happened during the twelve hours I was waiting for a train. So I'll get started on a project or blog entry or something and then sneeze, which is hell on a sore back, and then suddenly it's a race against time to find the perfect position before my cable shuts down. Well, screw you, cable. Screw you three degrees to the left and push you in slightly and there we go, the power's back on.
5. Cranky people. Don't they drive you crazy? You try so hard to be friendly, but they're just in a bad mood and they just want to slam their door in your face and insult your perfectly reasonable policies. And when you've had a whole day dealing with cranky people, it starts to seem like it's a conspiracy against you. Like all these people's moods are being controlled by barometric pressure or the phases of the moon so you ask your daycare provider if, overall, the kids were all hellions this particular day and when she says no, you wonder how that can possibly be true. Is it some other factor? One that affects only adults? Or very specifically geographic in nature? Or anything else that doesn't lead to the fact that maybe they're cranky because they've had to deal with me, who has a sore back and ants in his dishwasher and I've been sitting in front of stationary trains for the last nine hours. STOP IT I'M NOT TRYING TO BE IRONIC HERE, YOU oh crap there goes my power cord agai
You know how Superman gave Batman a piece of Kryptonite to hold onto in case he (Superman) lost it and needed to be stopped? Shut up, of course you do. So if I needed to hand out my own kryptonite, my conversational kryptonite, what would it be?
Certainly there will come a day when I need someone to shut me up quickly, and I'll look to a blog reader to do it. No one wants to see that day come, so when it does, most people are woefully unprepared. Fortunately, I've been working on the problem all day and I've come up with a number of talking points to silence the room. That number is five. As a bonus, I can also use these against most of my friends! Alienation all around!
1. You see, the great thing about American board games is they teach important lessons like quietly waiting your turn.
2. Actually, I thought George Lucas did a fine job with the prequels to Star Trek.
3. I'd rather spend ten hours forced to work on cryptic crosswords than to have to sit through ten minutes of Arrested Development.
4. Everyone knows that Pixar keeps stealing all their good ideas from Shrek.
5. Good news! We don't have to eat at Khan's! I found a Subway!
1. Aaron's had a cough for about three months. Being a good, responsible parent, I knew that when a young child has a hacking cough for more than 90 days, it's time to consult a physician. I brought him into the pediatrician's office and told them I was there for Aaron's 90-day cough examination, and they looked at me with such pride. Anyway, Aaron sat very still for the stethoscope, and did just a fantastic job of breathing. Top notch breather, my kid. He was a huge hit. The pediatrician thought it might not be a bad idea to send him in for a chest X-ray, and again, Aaron did a fantastic job. He stood in exactly the position the technician told him to stand. He wore the little lead kilt. He was such a trooper. X-rays showed nothing wrong, so we tested him for asthma. What the hell, we had the whole afternoon to kill. So he stuck his finger in the asthma tester and spent twenty minutes breathing whatever strange root and grub combo that they boil to make inhalers. While he breathed into the noisy boiling mask, I read him Clifford's Easter, and then, Clifford's Christmas. He sat quietly and listened to the story, and waited patiently while the doctor tested him again. He was unbelievable. I took him out for ice cream after that. And then we went home and played Mario. And dude. He threw such a fit when I couldn't get the star. It's like he had been holding it in all day.
2. We held a party on Saturday. It's the first time we've invited neighbors over for anything. Oh, and by we, I mean Jenna, since it was mostly neighborhood moms. So of course Saturday is the worst snowstorm we've had all year. We got six inches of snow, and several guests, including Jenna's parents, couldn't make it. That meant that the quick job I was hoping to make of repairing the garbage disposal with them was put off. But that was OK. Also, the roof started leaking. It has never leaked before. Never shown any sign of starting to leak, but about an hour before the guests were supposed to arrive we had a steady drip going right into the kitchen. I ran out to clear it up as best as I could. And in the end, we got by without a garbage disposal and the roof hasn't leaked since, but I'm a little shaken. This was our big opportunity to show off to the neighbors. Will we be known as the leaky house with the slow-draining sink that causes snowstorms for the rest of our lives?
3. One of my professors is talking me in to enrolling in graduate school for reals. OK, I thought, I can do that. But the application materials are due by Friday. So that's what I'm doing this week.
4. You can get Cella's on sale at Menards. They are 79 cents. Seriously, you guys. Sure, they've been sitting there since Thanksgiving, but they are seventy-nine fricking cents! Also, hats for a buck! Also, Cella's!
5. I really like Fiber plus bars from Kellogg's. We were staring every morning with a fiber plus bar and things seemed so simple, so joyful. Now, there is no place in town that carries them. We've got all these coupons for a dollar off, and we can't get them anywhere. I checked six places yesterday. Six! Huge gaping holes on shelves, but no fiber bars. It's like those damn Starbucks drinks. We checked Target twice a week for three months looking for the lite ones. Found them once. Why have you abandoned me diet foods that I like?!
Maybe I'll go eat a Cella.
1. We bought a desk. It's only been four years since I told Jenna I'd get her one. However, the busted tabletop balanced precariously on two filing cabinets was just so attractive I could never bear to replace it. Here's the thing, though. Jenna dropped off her purse in the house and came back out to help me bring it in from the car. Aaron was mad at us because, well, because he was cranky. And he locked us out. He seriously did. He locked the deadbolt and the lock on the doorknob, and neither of us had keys. Then, when we told him that this was a very dangerous thing to do, he relented, but couldn't get the door unlocked. I went around to the front door and tried to get him to open that, because all three of us were pretty well freaked out at that point. He managed to get that one open. I let Jenna in, we got the desk in, and Aaron went to time out. He spent the rest of the evening being a royal snot. I had to actually physically throw his toys away in front of him to let him know that his actions had terrible consequences. It was horrible. I just about lost it.
2. However, I still love the guy. He knows what he wants, and he tries so hard to get it. It's admirable. He's been very affectionate when he's not locking us out of the house. Also, he's been working on his Ls. He still has trouble with the Ls and the Rs, so when I write, for example, that he shouts, "Do all the girls here have little babies in their tummies?" at church, it should really be read, "Do ow the goes heeu have yiddow babies in thayow tummies?" But lately, he's realized that this means people can't tell if he's describing something as lucky or as yucky. So he's really working o that one word. "Mommy," he said. "I bwought my Lllllucky maobow (marble) to day cayow so I could have a Lllllucky day with my Lllllucky maobow." And then he gets this look of sheer pride on his face. It was adorable. I almost lost it.
3. I helped put a floor in at the neighbors' house over the weekend. It's like assembling an enormous puzzle, but all of the pieces fit everywhere. It's remarkably easy, with one condition: The room needs to be the exact same shape and size as the flooring you put in. If you have, say, a closet, or a heat register, or multiple rooms that need a continuous floor, it's really, really complicated. I was thinking maybe for our house, we'll just dump some quick-drying glue on the carpet and stain it and hope people don't notice the difference.
4. All of the (Cost Plus) World Markets in Minnesota are closing, so everything there is some percent off. I took advantage of the 10% off European candy so I could try a Yorkie bar. The thing about Yorkie bars is that they're very specific that this is a chocolate bar for men. No girls allowed. It says so right on the packaging. It's even got the lady from the bathroom door sign in a circle with a slash through it. (She's holding a purse.) Naturally I feared that all other men have been enjoying this candy bar without me for years and that's why I've never really gotten into NASCAR, so I bought one. It was a puzzle. There was no ingredient that would seem to set it apart for men, like, for example, beer. Or jerky. It was plain chocolate. Also, it's called Yorkie which, let's face it, doesn't rank very high on the list of manly dogs. But one bite and I figured out what the deal was. It's a big fat hunk of chocolate. It's not made for people who don't want melted chocolate all over their fingers or who are watching their figure or who enjoy the taste of chocolate. It's there for people who want to cram some form of junk food into their digestive systems. You gnaw off a hunk of Yorkie and laugh triumphantly, like a lumberjack who has cut down a sequoia made of pure adamantium, and you spray a little bit on your foes when you laugh. "I have eaten of the Yorkie," your manly voice booms. "And it was very eaten." So it was pretty good, but not as good as Pocky for Men.
5. Still looking for a job. Now alongside millions more people. This economy is deplorable. I can't wait to lose it.
I'm following in Aaron's footsteps. Here are the characters I've portrayed this week:
1. Board member. Technically, I'm not on the board, but the annual meeting is in two weeks, and I solved the sphinx's riddle and stole the bells from the board president's hand without ringing any so I'm as good as in. I haven't been to a board meeting for a non-profit since the smokey cevapci-filled days of 2004, so it will be interesting to note the similarities and hopefully the differences on this new board.
2. Student. Tomorrow I register for classes at the college Jenna teaches at. Which means the next time she gripes about students I'll have to face up to the fact that she's really griping about me. However, since she's been griping lately about how the students have been leaving no gas for her in the car and not doing dishes often enough and spending too much money on Cella's, I think she may have been doing this all along.
3. Book-club member. I've never been in a book club before. Jenna and I are tag teaming this one so one of us can watch Aaron while the other attends. I'm looking forward to it.
4. Freelance writer. Sort of. Maybe. I did do some writing and not get paid for it!
5. Cewebrity. (Jenna calls it weblebrity). My Vox neighbor Sara did a post about Hippo Profiles, which was completely awesome, especially as it followed a Star Wars story she wrote when she was ten that could very well have been a story I myself wrote when I was 16. She also had some nice things to say about me. Sara was the blogger who nominated me for a [this is good] and the only person in the history of time immemorial who thinks it would be fun to be at a campfire singalong with me even after finding out that I only know the Weird Al versions of songs and I add childish rhymes to well-known Simon and Garfunkel tunes. There have been many days where I get frustrated with blogging, and her coments always get my spirits up again. Always, even when she threatens to eat my child's face. I don't comment as often as I should, and I just wanted to say thanks for reading, and thanks for posting.
1. I had a job interview this morning. Hopefully it will result in an offer, but even if it doesn't, I felt good about it. The last interview I had was frustrating, and it kind of made the whole interviewing process feel like a burden, so it's nice to know that things can go as well as they did today.
2. I'm considering a few options for me to become more involved in the community. I have the opportunity to take some college classes to fill in a few gaps on my resume. I also have an opportunity to work for a local non-profit. And I heard about an opportunity to do some freelance writing about local events. Today, I was feeling optimistic and wearing the nice suit I never thought I'd fit into again, so I'm planning to try my hand at all of them.
3. Aaron wrote out a letter to Santa today. That kid is always full of surprises. Here is a three-year-old, for whom Christmas is basically wish fulfillment. As far as he knows, he could have anything he wants -- a full-sized monster truck, oceanfront property, rocks that give you superpowers when you dry them -- and what does he want for Christmas, more than anything else? A candy cane. I asked if he was sure, if there wasn't anything else he'd really like for Christmas. He changed his Christmas wish to two candy canes.
4. I went to the grocery store in my job interview suit. As was to be expected, I was treated like royalty. When the butcher found out that they didn't have any ground Italian turkey sausage, he offered to crack open a couple of turkey sausages from their casings for me. When I was browsing the deli, the lady asked if I'd like to sample something instead of throwing rancid macaroni salad at me like she usually does. And I was personally invited to go through the 12 items or less express lane, despite the fact that I clearly had 21 items in my cart. I was literally a king to them.
5. Looking for a great gift for any gift-giving occasion? Have you considered Cella's? You should.
1. I had no internet access for most of today. Also, no phone or cable. It was like being stranded at home during days of Yore. Of course, today was the one day I really needed Internet access. Okay, that's a lie, I feel that way every day, but I am helping Jenna out on a video project which requires me to watch some videos. Online. So now I'm planning to watch a lot of videos very quickly on Thursday and Friday. But not tomorrow because...
2. I have two interviews tomorrow. I planned to prepare for them today by researching both potential employers online. But I did not. See thing #1. I'm hoping for some great news this week, so keep your fingers crossed for me, even if it makes your normal day-to-day activities like eating cereal, typing, and operating a forklift a living hell. And speaking of living hells...
3. I decided to clean up around the house today. See I had no Internet connection (for more on no Internet connection, see #1) and I wanted to feel like things were getting organized to herald some good news (see thing #2). Some household chores that really should be done every day, like laundry and wiping fingerprints off the TV, had been slipping to once or twice a week, with the result being that things in the house like the hamper and Jeopardy keep disappearing. Of course, it didn't matter that I cleaned the TV today anyway on account of no cable (#1, again). I even took the recycling out to the garage, since I missed it last time, and it's now taking over the kitchen. And since I was heading out there, I realized I could solve two problems at once! I could just bring all the crap I couldn't find a place for from the house and put them in the car! It's an old housekeeping secret. In fact that's the reason that I am now enjoying...
4. The return of the Mountain King! I moved some old CDs out to the car, including Classical Favorites for Halloween. So now I start every day bringing Aaron to daycare, pretending that we're exploring an innocent looking cave. But wait! Someone has been here recently. There are footprints! And they left this half-eaten bowl of Cheerios on this table! (Clearly they did not bring it out to the car! See #3) And someone has been watching this TV recently (so apparently the cable isn't out everywhere! (#1))! And as the music hits the big crescendo, we discover that this innocent cave is none other than the home of the Mountain King! Run! Get out of here! Then let's do it all again. I should probably loan the CD to Jenna for tomorrow, since I can't bring him in to daycare myself (I've got an interview! See #2!). And that made me wonder: What do an interview, a clean house, a Mountain King, and a total lack of Internet, cable, and telephone have in common? Well clearly, they all lead us to...
5. Crap. I have no idea how to tie all those things together. No, wait! I've got it! I need to tell our housekeeper not to come in tomorrow because I've got an interview, but the phone didn't work, so I couldn't reach him, and it turns out he's really the Mountain King! No. How about this? A mountain of King's Hawaiian Bread gummed up my Internet connection so I couldn't refer to Wikipedia to tell my interviewer where the hidden gems are in Green Hill Zone! Yeah, that's the ticket. Okay. Five interconnected things. Good night.
I don't really have any really interesting news right now. However, that's never stopped me from blogging before, so here goes.
1. I am 11 pounds away from reaching my first goal in losing weight! I hope to get there before Christmas, and the way things have been going, that seems doable. And then I'm only 34 pounds away from my second goal! Sigh.
2. I've got a new cell phone! That means I can take pictures again. I just can't send, receive, or publish them. Sigh.
3. Aaron has been waking up at four in the morning to let us know how dry he is. (Not dry, usually.) It's great that he's taking such an interest in potty training, and that he's been making such leaps and bounds over the last few months so that we're almost to the point where we can get rid of pull-ups altogether, but the drawback is that Aaron has been waking up at four in the morning to let us know how dry he is. And usually, that's not very. Sigh.
4. Aaron has been very excited about Halloween. Especially because Halloween comes before Thanksgiving, which comes before Christmas, which comes before New Years, which comes before his birthday, and he is once again, very excited about his birthday. This year for Halloween, he wants to be a king. We are thrilled because we happen to have a very nice king costume already, and he's going to look great in it. Then this morning, he told Jenna he wants to be a superhero. Sigh.
5. I've been wracking my brain to think of a fifth thing, and there is no fifth thing. Let me think about it. Now Jenna is saying if I don't type the word "sigh" and go to bed she'll put me on 4AM Aaron dryness check for the rest of the month. One of the things that, okay, okay. Sigh.
1. We have a lot of tiny tomatoes in our house. Therefore, we are successful gardeners! Or at least Jenna is.
2. At first, I thought that maybe the reason I didn't see any other adults playing tag with the neighborhood kids was that I had maintained a youthful spirit, the heart of a child, the exuberant joyful essence that perhaps had been lost on other parents. Then I realized that the kids want to play with an adult slow enough for them to catch.
3. I love our car. It glides on the road. It gets great gas mileage. It holds six CDs. It's a great commuting car. I think I'll call it Rider.
4. Aaron has stayed in bed every night since coming home. Sometimes he'll call us in to check for monsters, but he stays in bed. I don't know what you did Grandmas and Grandpas, but thank you, thank you, thank you.
5. This morning for breakfast, I had some trail mix. Then I got an unexpected free lunch, including rum-banana bread pudding from a local fancy restaurant. Then for dinner, we ordered a pizza, which was late, so we got it for free. The most expensive meal I ate today was a handful of trail mix. Love the free meals. Love 'em.
