9 posts tagged “football”
When I was younger, we used to play football, baseball, soccer or capture the flag with the neighborhood kids, and a big part of the game was picking a name for your team. My neighbors were a little more in tune with the world of professional sports than I was, so they would often pick an exciting, tough-sounding professional sports name, like the Vikings or the Strikers or the Twins. I spurned the local, tried and true sports heroes in search of something cooler when it came time to choose the mantle we would rally behind. I wanted everyone to know that if there was one thing you could count on from my team, it was coolness. And I believed I had a secret weapon: the 1985 Kids World Almanac For Kids: Children's Version.
It was jam packed full of information, all of which I've forgotten, except that it listed 30 words that teens use to mean "cool". How on earth, I reasoned, could anyone find a cooler word than the top thirty words that teens, actual teens, use for cool?
What I did not know was that the editors of the 1985 Kids World Almanac hadn't been teens or even talked to teens since 1973.
So inevitably, my team name was something like the Groovy Hep Cats. Or the Far Out Gears. Or the Hunky-Dory Daddy-Os. Let me tell you, there was no more fearsome team in the neighborhood than the Hunky-Dory Daddy-Os, unless you count anyone else.
My neighbors never told me that these word choices were the very antithesis of cool, having been out of common usage for over a decade. Nor did they tell me that, in relying on the Kids Almanac to define my style, I was dooming myself to a name that made transparent the vast, empty gulf between myself and that which is in any way hip. I was totally oblivious. Which was all for the best, because my teams, in addition to lacking in the name department, also tended to lack in the athleticism department as well, which meant at least I wasn't bragging that the Peachy Keen Dandies were number one. Once my team lost (and inevitably, it lost), I would return to the ol' almanac for another horribly outdated conglomeration of beatnik-speak. And even though I was 16 before I realized that no one else was saying "Right On" anymore, I learned to feel shame from my other failings. So that was all good.
Or rather, it was all marvy.
I watched two football games today. I had little invested in either one. The Patriots-Chargers game was pretty dull. I played choo-choos through most of it. The Giants-Packers game, on the other hand, was electrifying. Seriously, I didn't care who won, even though I'm watching it on a Wisconsin affiliate station and I've lived in two cities who consider themselves mortal enemies of the Packers, but man was it a breathtaking game. I was up off the couch, jumping up and down, pretty much for whoever had a better play. If only the Superbowl would be like that...
Go Vikes!
Go Twins!
Go Bears!
You know it's going to be one of those autumns when the team you root for who's doing the best is the freaking Cubs.
Debating the worth of the letter C edition:
Chair vs. Hair Chair How can a chair win, or even participate in a fight? Perhaps a story, or "parable" could explain it better. My dad, it turns out, had a funny story about a chair when he was growing up. I guess there was a chair in the kitchen that was beyond fixing. The chair was on its last legs, so to speak, and pushed off to the side, maybe to be used as a plant stand or something. Except my dad didn’t know it was broken. So he joined the family for dinner one night, and pulled up that rickety old chair and took a seat, while my uncles looked on in amusement… and nothing happened. He helped himself to some food and started eating. About halfway through dinner, Dad got a tickle in his nose. He threw back his head, saying, "Ah, ahh, ahhh-CHOO!" And he disappeared. The chair had disintegrated underneath him, and he was lying flat on the floor. I hear that my uncle laughed so hard that peas came out his nose. So you see, it is possible for a chair to defeat an enemy in a fight. In this parable, my dad represented a challenger, the chair played the part of a chair, and the peas represented the budget deficit erupting out of the nose of American politics pushed by the guffaws of mishandled tax dollars. Hair I have an amusing parable about hair, too. One day, all my hair started falling out. Now I am bald. Oh, did I say amusing? I meant infuriating. This parable means hair is stupid. Winner: Chair Covert vs. Overt Covert "In this corner, we have Covert, weighing in at… hey, where the hell did Covert go?" I think being a covert agent sounds much cooler than being a secret agent. To me, secret implies schoolgirls giggling about crushes in whispered tones, and covert implies ninjas hiding under the cover of darkness, using any environment as easy camouflage. I imagine that most covert/secret agents fall somewhere between the two definitions, perhaps hiding in the shadows from dreamy Jeremy Steele from homeroom and giggling occasionally. Overt Here’s a situation where one letter leads a word to mean it’s opposite. An overt agent reads the spy manual on the subway. An overt agent orders his martini "shaken, not stirred, that’s the way agents like me like to get drunk." An overt agent lights off sparklers in the darkness and sends an endless stream of love notes to Jeremy that say, "I like you. Do you like me? Y/N Please destroy this message." Unless we’re talking about a fashion show (we’re not—we’re talking about a fight), overt is missing the element of surprise, and loses easily. Winner: Covert Swatch vs. Swath Swatch A swatch is a tiny chunk of cut fabric. Swath A swath is a wide, expansive hunk of something. They say size is relative, so I’m just going to say that both words mean the same thing and say it’s a draw. Winner: Draw Pic vs. Pi Pic Some analysts believe that by the year 2060, an international currency will be created for internet commerce. This currency will be called the pic (pix plural), and consist of a naked picture of an attractive woman. Users will log in to, say, Orbitz, where a trip from O’Hare to Jamaica will cost approximately 20 pix. O’Hare to Los Angeles will be about 15 pix. For a single pic, you could go from O’Hare to St. Louis (if it’s a pic of Paris Hilton, East St. Louis). But will its monetary worth in the future foretell its pugilistic worth on the battleground? And more importantly, is that a ridiculous question or what? Pi Pi is irrational, constant, and transcendental. That doesn’t sound like the description of a mathematical concept as much as a description of a trickster god. Pi’s got something for everyone, both in the sense that it is an appealing number and in the sense that it is long enough that somewhere within it is numeric code that spells out "Monkeys with typewriters try typing this!" It is an awesome number if you like circles, Greek alphabets, infinity, and puns involving baked goods. Pi is used for a number of important equations. You can determine a circle’s circumference by multiplying its diameter by pi. You can determine the area of a circle by determining why pie are square. You can determine how geeky someone is by finding out how many digits of pi they have memorized. People have known about pi for centuries. According to Wikipedia, in Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, Paul goes on for six verses getting out to the 42,651 digit of pi (although in Paul’s letter to the Robotniks, he claims that pi is exactly 3). The long and short of it is that if you’ve got a challenger who is irrational, constant, and transcendental, you’re in a heap of trouble. Winner: Pi Clover vs. Lover Clover For years, the humble clover was the only actual lucky charm in a bowl of Lucky Charms. Yellow moons aren’t lucky. Orange stars aren’t lucky unless they’re shooting, and there was clearly no evidence of that. Blue diamonds are usually considered cursed more often than lucky. And pink hearts, even if they’ve been ripped out of rabbits’ chests, aren’t considered the lucky body part. Imagine you’re a leprechaun, hoarding a box of cereal from a bunch of crafty and determined kids and it only contains one stupid charm. As a leprechaun, you’re a failure! Frankly, I can’t figure out what the hell Lucky is doing with that other crap anyway. Heck, even the clover’s not that great. There’s an old saying that goes "Clovers are for chumps." (Although, for the sake of this battle, it could be argued that the sentence is still true without either of the C’s.) Maybe there’s something I’m overlooking. Something I’ve overlooked before. Lover Ooh la la! There’s more to a lover than just being intimate. There’s something risqué, some quality that makes lovers burn with a passion that is almost dangerous. And I know what I’m talking about, as a bona fide lover of video games. The world’s most famous lovers, Romeo Montague and Angelina Jolie, prove that love is stronger than war or sanity, so it’s probably also stronger than some dumb plants. Winner: Lover Not featured today: Occur vs. Our (Winner: Our) Cloud vs. Loud (Winner: Cloud) Crumble vs. Rumble (Winner: Rumble) Batch vs. Bath (Winner: Bath) Verdict: C can stay, but it has to split carries with K.
...and what they would sound like if they were all about Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman:
"In my opinionation, Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman is going to surely shine."
"Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman."
"Straightening the curves, flattening the hills. Someday the mountain might get 'em but Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman never will."
"There's a time you've got to go and show you're Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman. Now you know about the facts of life."
"Streaks on the china never mattered before. Who cares? Drop kick your jacket when you came through the door? Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman cares."
"The rain and thunder, wind and Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman are bound for better days."
"The nights are long but you might awaken to Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman.
"In the heart of Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, there's a love that starts by letting go."
"There ain't no nothing we can't love Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman through. Woo! What would we do, baby, without Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman? (Sha-na-na-na)"
"Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows you're Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman."
"Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of... Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman!"
The NFL season kind of ended the way my fantasy football season ended. The good guys lost to a team that was pretty much better than them all year, but I'm still disappointed.
Boo.
Wooooooo! From what I heard, it was an awesome game. (I was at a birthday party where they didn't have cable). So I came up with a Superbowl shuffle for 2007 that, in my humble opinion, matches the spirit of the original (that spirit being that rapping is really, really hard). You really have to imagine all the players, suited up, belting this out in unison to get the proper mental picture.
We are the Bears, hooty hoo
We like football, just like you
We're so good, we're the NFC champs
We're going to Miami for the Superbowl, gramps
That's because we like football
We're going to the Superbowl, all y'all... to play... football
We like football, there's no time to snuggle
We've just got to do a Superbowl Shuffle
My name is Grossman, yupper-dee
But all my friends call me Sexy Rex-ee
Don't forget me, I'm Brian Urlacher
A super awesome defensive backer
There are a bunch of other good players too
They're all really good. Choo choo!
All you other teams make us chuckle
Becuase we do the Superbowl Shuffle
And... that's all I have. You don't want too many verses, because the Bears need to be spending the next two weeks practicing, not recording long and complicated raps.
Go Bears!
Go Bears!
Good luck against the team that represents hope and goodness in America.
Like most people, I did think that the team to lose after the bye week would be Chicago. Seriously. Go Chicago!
